Insomnia/Stream of consciousness

So
Recently I haven't been able to sleep
maybe it's because I've been working on myself to a certain extent
for those of you who don't know I am in a 12 step program and for better or worse if you are working a program of recovery things are going to change in your life hopefully you can become the person the god of your understanding wants you to become and get rid of the baggage and bullshit personality traits that allowed you to kill yourself slowly OR quickly with drugs
now that I've lost almost all of my desire to use most of the time and have identified more than a few things that bug the shit out of me about myself and have been trying to not act on them now that I know what they are
ya know
even when growing as a person
I find myself falling back into the old cycles
occasionally of
going to bed when the birds chirp
waking up early afternoon not rested
feeling out of sorts
all day
taking a nap
then repeat the cycle
in between
I take care of my mom
who isn't getting to enjoy her retirement
because she is house bound
so if I know you
come visit here she'd love to chat your ear off
I finally have a women I am interested in
but for once am having second thoughts about pursuing her as a potential girlfriend/thing/some shit
that it might be better to just be a friends
than to get knee deep in someone crazy aka the demons of someones past
when I have demons of my own
is that growth or fear
hard to say right now
on the other hand I am getting my new iMAC soon
it WILL be faster and more pimped out than your current computer
lil hint 8 gigs of ram
24 inch screen
and all the other fixings for a MAC dorks dream
new printer
new scanner
so there is always that
I have been drawing with my mouse lately
I like posting up my art on the web
call me a attention whore
but I prefer my art be seen
or heard
somehow
and since I'm not getting paid
and haven't yet at 36
figured out how I might go about getting paid
by my
"talents"
I figure fuck it
I will just make "drawings"
using photoshop and pictures
now I know I use photoshop wrong and actually am pretty limited in my abilities
but fuck it0
I have fun and have lightened up on filters and am exploring layers much MUCH more
peep my icon for an example





pretty tight for a pic I took using my cell phone if I do says so myself
I just used layers
and my paintbrush tool is various sizes
a couple mild filters
a viola (I know it's actually voila')
a masterpiece or at the very least
it looks cool to me
and I think it looks cool
as a avatar on message board
myspace
or facebook
and the long and the short of it
I enjoyed making it
I was productive
on a sleepless night
for and hour or so
I forgot about
not having a girl
not having fat stacks of dough
forgot about recovery
even for just a second
just forgot about all the bullshizzle
that gets me down
or whatever emo shit I was whining about up there ^^^
and just had fun doing what I've loved doing since BEFORE I can remember
making "art"
like I used to do on my pop dukes lap when I was 3 or 4


I let go...

which is rare...

I need that in my life.

even though life can be stressful I still enjoy it
but sometimes I just need to transport my mindset over to the ether and let the cosmos or whatever entity controls the artists muse or some crap and just let it bust loose

anyways

bedtime

read this or don't

p.s. I'd fuck up a steak and egg bagel from McDonalds right now

p.p.s. good night

p.p.p.s. fuck punctuation